As my maternity leave comes to an end (my very last maternity leave ever for the rest of my life because G is definitely my last baby), I am feeling 1,000% sentimental. I know spending time on something other than my children (like my career) is a good thing for me, but I’m really really going to miss this dedicated bonding time with them.
I know I’m coming from a place of privilege. In the US, most mothers are forced back to work within two weeks of giving birth. TWO WEEKS! I was still bleeding, cramping, and barely functioning two weeks after I delivered.
Last year, a friend of mine told me that she couldn’t get enough of her second child. I thought it was because her second child puts herself to sleep and is generally more laid back than her first. Now that I have a second child, I understand what she means.
I can’t get enough of G either.
It feels impossible for me to spend as much time with her as I want to. It’s simple math.
Bub got 100% of my time, being my firstborn. G gets 50% of my time, being my secondborn. 50% on a good day.
Bub is usually the loudest voice in the room and most of the time, we’re paying attention to him. It’s difficult to focus on G when Bub is yelling for me or yelling in G’s face or being loud because, well, he’s a three-year-old.
Now that I’m going back to work, I’m worried that my time with G will be even shorter. How am I possibly going to work full-time AND give each child the attention they deserve AND find time for my marriage, my friends, and myself? Oh yeah, and my dog! When do I get to sit and cuddle with Buddha on the couch while watching Bob’s Burgers and mindlessly stuffing my face with chips?
It feels impossible for me to cram everything into one 24-hour period. Because it IS impossible.
There aren’t enough hours in the day to do everything I want to do. Something will almost always have to give. Someone recommended to me once that I find my “one thing” every day that I do for myself. For me, that "one thing” changes depending on how I’m feeling that day. I know it should be working out. I should work out every day. It’s just hard to commit when I have two very small children. Any routine for myself feels like too much of a commitment these days.
Will I ever feel like I have enough time again? What is “enough” anyway? Is an hour of quality time with each kid “enough”? Is it less about the amount of time and more about how present I am with that time? Does it have to be equal between the two kids? On some days, does “enough” look like taking Bub to the library and giving G a bath?
I don’t know that it will ever be enough. I will always want more hours in the day and more time with my kids.